Connect, Disconnect, Replay
We are relational beings.
Like fuses, we disconnect to save the system. When the connection is letting through too much negative information, we can't maintain our ego structure - and use our survival system: fight (blame, self-attack, or shame: we understand less), flight (withdrawal, denial: we see no problem, when there is one) or freeze (we freeze our thoughts, and our body movements). Our earthly personality litterally thinks it's going to die. So at the expense of that area which is now disconnected (a particular need/value), the fuse 'jumps' to maintain the whole system's integrity, we suppress the awareness of a connection, and push back the painful association between that value or behavior and what happened into our subconscious. Then all we've got to do is to hide or protect our pain behind defenses (denial, anger, blame, distraction - all in order not to feel that old pain).
People come on our path and trigger those old pains of our deeper needs/values being repressed/denied. We all need to be loved for who we *really* are, for example. We pretty much all have had to suppress and deny parts of ourselves in childhood (later this suppression is perpetuated by the environment, or the larger culture). We then spend our life ignoring that parts of us are there, but dormant - up until they get awakened by exposure to another person, culture, or life circumstances. If we don't feel safe to, nor know how to safely access and honor our true self within that social environment, we disconnect emotionally from the situation. This buys us time to get back to safety, and maybe to find a less triggering environment or person to process our emotional overload in safety (without being stuck in pain and shame again - as our inner child once was).
So there is tremendous value in taking a break, resting, sleeping. When the mind stops going in overdrive and comes to rest, the other part of us comes into play: in the brain, the life that is at work in us flushes out the waste, and we also make new neuronal connections: we learn at night and in rest, play, or emotional safety (when we are not trying, nor fighting anything), after the wear and tear of being taken out of our comfort zone. As in the body where we rebuild torn muscle tissue, we actually become stronger during rest.
Similarly, finding the right person or the right environment to feel with is a priority. For full health and (mental) vitality, it is crucial that we gradually legitimize repressed parts of ourselves, taking other people as welcome triggers in our evolution and reconnection to the whole. So it often doesn't feel good, but the faster we can legitimize those inner needs and values, the less painful it is.
We don't have to blame anybody for not having empathy by the way: people are not always in condition to hear us, they are simply human: sometimes up, sometimes down - dealing with their own bagage of experiences and overwhelm. We just have to find other people that are in a better position at this time to 'contain' our pain (able to connect as a worthy human being regardless of our pain).
When we are experiencing increasing upset around other people (and rejecting them), we are the ones who need to 'sync out' and take some space (and possibly explain it to our partners). Our negative opinions are loveless because we are lacking love ourselves (scarcity mindset): it just is more useful to take a break and come back to the relationship when we are full and can use our heart as well, and see the whole picture (us + them). We need to listen to ourselves and take care of our deeper need, from the most empathetic, loving, caring part of us.
So ask someone to hold space for you (giving instructions if possible, correcting the course when needed). If you feel you can do it yourself, take some time to feel what has been on your mind/nerves/heart; while feeling safe, here, now. Dr. Sue Morter describes this as helping our higher (adult) self welcome, listen to, and take care of our hurt inner child-part. She starts by anchoring safety in the body, here through breathing, slowing down, and becoming conscious of what's happening within us - while feeling safe, here-and-now.
When others (friends, colleagues, family members) are not feeling good, check your state first: are you feeling like being present, holding space to their pain and joy, a witness, just 'being', or rejoicing with them? Like (mentally, emotionally or physically) embracing in warmth and compassion? Like comforting, giving hope? If none of these, take a break, excuse yourself. Book another appointment at a later date. Give yourself (emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, mental) self-care, you need it - to take care of others. If right now you are not in a position to help, that's OK. Make peace with the fact that right now, it doesn't have to be you: the wonderful thing about this life is that there are so many people, and what will be a chore (and not very effective) to you now will be easy and a pleasure for somebody else.
Equally, the person being helped might come to let go of the fact that everything has to be fixed in the way they prefer, at the time they want it. The letting go of control of the details, while keeping the objective of being well, reconnected to one's true self and others, is healing in itself. So sometimes the relational process doesn't feel very good, but it doesn't have to. The end stage is the letting go (of control), the rest, the peace that comes as a result of things falling into place, finally. And your trusting that the healing matters, not the details of who/when, will make it easier for them to heal.
Life is cyclic rythms, ebbs & flows, of connection and disconnect, of changing seasons. High energy - action, connection, 'positive' emotions - is good; low energy - rest, disconnect, 'negative' emotions - is good, too. You restore your system, you make space and allow it to expand further next time. Just like seasons: slowing down, and stillness, is the missing ingredient to sustainable growth. And when we are in scarcity (whether physically, emotionally or else), we see scarcity: so take care of yourself to still be connected to your heart.
A good (psychological) analysis (diagnosis) without empathy is missing half of the picture: we are dealing, always, with human beings doing their best in the (sometimes poor) circumstances they have been given. Then we bring the richness of what we experienced into the relationship, and it is possible to get back to a constructive relationship: what would we like together? What deeper needs are at play? How can we take into account both, for an enriching and renewed relationship?
We are always connected, whether at a distance or physically face-to-face (lots of scientific experiements listed in The Intention Experiment, by Lynn McTaggart): let's make these connections peaceful and loving. The key is the life-sustaining alternating between loving connection & peaceful disconnect; it is this movement that sustains life.
In what state, and phase, are you right now?
What do you need to take good care of yourself? To reestablish the connection with who you really are?