What would the highest version of yourself do?
Love yourself, the way you are, because you have a good reason, and you always had one frankly, for acting the way you did, with the level of information and awareness that you had; forgive and understand yourself, the way you are, now, in the past, and the future. You are just human, and all inspired action starts from acceptance of what is. You are not supposed to be better, you are not supposed to be different, you are not supposed to do more, or be less, for other people, or yourself.
Let it flow, let it be.
Love yourself when you are frustrated, ashamed, or afraid - like a mother would love their child, no matter what they do. Love yourself when you are happy, strong, and shining bright light - think of the most supportive person you know, and allow their voice of wanting you to be happy in your terms to be the strongest voice.
Because feeling & releasing emotions is an integral part of mental health - when accepted, and embraced, they disappear. As Elizabeth Kübler-Ross researched it, they are part of the change cycle, of movement:
So if you don't feel something, you keep it 'stored' in your body, in your subconscious - and cannot move on to the next phase.
So you need to be safe enough to feel what needs to come up, without being judged nor judging yourself - which can be difficult to find in the case of trauma (so if you don't have the luck to have an amazing family member or friend, go find a therapist, who is trained in listening without judgment, and to keep you safe while you feel).
For true learning, only consider (also from yourself) constructive criticism.
What is constructive criticsm?
When a person values who you are, and what you are trying to get to, you can give consideration to their criticism. Maybe they are right, maybe it applies to them more than to you - but you can listen. If someone considers you to be of less value, consider it a limited perspective: they see some people as more worthy than others, and it probably cuts them off from a lot of life. That's not your problem. Focus on yourself, on your own value, on what you know, on what is true. Focus on all the people that ever loved you, inspired you, and that you loved: love made you. You wouldn't be here without it. Keep that worthy, loveable, sacred space in yourself pure (Maya Angelou). Nobody else but love has a right to get there.
Love the parts of yourself that you have been rejecting (we often think we need to reject what we see; but actually loving what IS, allows it best to improve; to evolve to its best & highest, organically.
Rather than pulling on the stem to try to make it grow faster, let the seed naturally grow towards warmth, love, and space, at its pace. You can't force development without breaking something. The magical ingredient is Trust. Einstein said: 'Everybody is a genius; but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid'. Other people's opinions are theirs - and reflect their particular vision of the world, informed by who they are. Maybe you are some brand of something they've never seen before. They don't have a concept for you yet that would do you justice. Others may - look for these ones. And develop your own vision of yourself, with the help of whoever channels love.
There is a fascinating piece of research from a study where a classroom was randomly separated in two, and the teachers were told that one group was made of geniuses, and the other was constituted of mentally challenged, hopeless cases. After 6 months, the groups had become what their teachers thought they were: the "geniuses" had high grades and were acting intelligent, and the "stupid pupils" had results matching the expectations.
The same goes with love: partners in successful couples slightly idealize each other. When they do not, the couple breaks apart. In other words, loving who someone is right now AND the potential that we see in them is the best present you can make someone: it actually makes them better. And the same goes for yourself: loving who you are right now AND who you would like to be is transformative, especially on the long run. Always start with acceptance.
So what happens physically?
So as Alexander Lowen (a disciple of Reich) uncovered it, we store repressed, unbearably painful emotion in the body. And as my sister (who studied psychology) put it: there is no (sense of) time in psychology. If a traumatic event happened when we were two, and is left unsolved, the body still remembers, as if it was yesterday - up until the resistance is lifted, because a stronger identity (or another person) is allowed to protect, hear and heal that part.
The same goes for traumatic thoughts & emotions that happened yesterday, without finding the appropriate release of feeling the extent of the emotion: it gets stuck in the body, who is there to tell us what needs to be dealt with.
So, we want the extra/stuck energetic charge/information of pain to be free to circulate again (our drive is, like the universe, to expand; we expand in warmth/love, and get cold if rejected (physically as well: we temporarily disconnect our attention from a painful place, so as to allow it to heal by our attention focusing on a larger picture that makes us feel safe and well). We need to make the body and mind safe to feel again, safe to be full again (see Alexander Lowen's incredible amount of work on body-emotional release work) – its full side of the story expressed in an atmosphere of love.
We have to feel safe enough to really listen (to a part of ourselves), with the intent to hear, to understand (true curiosity). This can go a long way to subsequently dropping all resentment, fear, or tension (or the self-attacking mental or physical condition).
So take the time to feel (cry with supportive people, knowing it's good for you -you're making space!), to love your bodily vehicle (emotional & physical release + bodily care). This will free up available resources: when a repressed emotion is attended to, it frees up energy.
How to listen to an emotion?
From a grounded, embodied place of compassion (peace + love), from a focused space of human validation, care and acceptance of what is; AND also from a wider, eternal space of peaceful interconnection (we are not only our mind, body, or emotions: this is the highest part of us).
Here is a quick illustration of what I mean:
We can listen to our body sensations and our emotions (what's in the circle) from the larger spirit or awareness that all is well (from outside the circle, from our awareness: focusing on higher order values in the background, from our higher self that knows that this too shall pass, and we will eventually understand what it meant in the grand scheme of things).
Peace and love, safety, connection, etc. (higher values) become the larger container, FROM which we can listen to what is.
Then empathically reflect the emotion that is active (with words, heart resonance, body language - while keeping a sense of larger safety and well-being yourself - before attempting to reason someone/yourself. To be more precise, calm down the nervous system's overload by seeing, hearing & empathically resonating with the emotion/feeling -the pain, disappointment, fear, or excitement-, *before* feeding the system a command, or information to change its course: when the emotion is recognized, we become capable of extending to more information, and can take sustainable, long-term action.
Instead of being judged and being afraid, or ignored, these newly *seen* (admired, acknowledged, related to) parts will release energy, and give way to vitality of the whole system.
You can do sports that help you release the accumulated emotion (go for a run, cycle really fast, throw punches in a boxing class). You can also go to nature and let your nervous system synchronize with its healthy rythm, the best for us, and reset - and if you can, barefeet (or garden, observe a plant, look at the sky!). On the emotional side, therapy can be a good idea. There are also arts (painting, dance movement) therapies that combine movement and emotion, and many other ways to energetically or physically help the bodymind release its tensions and come to harmony (massages, acupuncture, chiropractor, etc.). All of these help you get insights or get past stuck situations bypassing the conscious mind and its defenses. And by yourself, you can certainly draw, write/journal about what's going on emotionally, make something with your hands, play with your child, or make love - anything that makes you let go of thinking, and get into the present moment with your whole body and mind! And if you want/can let out the emotional part in a way that doesn't shame you, nor hurt others, you've hit the jackpot! Let it out!
Don't forget to let go, come to rest, and connect with that eternal silent space (meditate, take mindful moments, go to nature). Emotional release can feel tiring: emotional pain can be 5 times as taxing to the nervous system as physical pain: build in the rest, recovery, and detachment you need in your day - from which you can rebuild the necessary connections, and have the resources and an expanded capacity to take on what's next (= resilience: in the body, broken muscle fiber grows stronger during rest; in the brain, we build neuronal connections and prune/clean up the useless ones: learning and healing take place during rest, daydreaming, and letting go).
Take your space to feel your full state, right now.
And love, love, love yourself, for all that you are! We all deserve a joyous, conscious, and loving you!
Try this:
Notice how you are feeling: what's the state of your emotions right now? How is your body? How is your mind?
And how are you relating to those states? (compassion, annoyance, judgment, peace..?) Just notice.
Now, look for a part of you that brings you calm, compassion, and peace right now. It might just be your sense of Self on this Earth, or the Space that exists between things (or your sense of connection to Nature, or to Loved ones).
Breathe while listening to it. Let it grow, unfold, take space in your awareness.
Now go to your inner body field: feel yourself from the whole area of the inside of your body, from inside your toes to inside your ears ;)
Now notice: what's an area of your body that calls your attention right now?
If it could feel and communicate some feeling to you now, what would it be saying?
Can you welcome it and hold your attention on listening to the feeling of it, just being present with it for a minute?
And if the sensation moves/morphs, can you let your attention travel with it, to the new place?
Hold your attention on the new place fully - as if you were listening with loving attention to the next words that were going to come out? Keep listening for a minute. A lot is happening, it is just subtle.
How has the initial sensation changed? How about your general state? How do you feel in your body?
How is your mind? How is it being yourself on this Earth right now?