Acknowledge the Wisdom of the Cycle: contraction, expansion
In every living system (us! or seasons, the sun and its planets, agriculture, periods), the alternating of expansion and contraction provide a movement to Life, to Creation. We contract (freeze our movement and energy, condense and concentrate it), only to bloom into new life again, with renewed insight & energy, gained from the rest.
When we have felt our emotions in a time of stillness, peaceful attention and self-love, and mourned what really mattered, we can prioritize what we really needed, give its rightful place in our newly expanded system (for example, if we discover we needed consideration, we can become even more considerate to ourselves and to others. If it was freedom, we can allow ourselves & others the maximum freedom to be who they are).
That was the message of all the original wisdoms: for self-sustaining, long-term, effortless action, we have to focus control onto ourselves. We can only inspire others. From the Buddhists' monkey mind that never stops, or Maya and the great illusion, through to Shakespeare's world is a stage and we are merely players: it is all about going from flghting or fearing one's dragon (our and others' flaws or imperfections), to riding our dragon: self-work to acknowledging the interconnection, of events-thoughts-emotions of our collective co-creation; and the role we each play in it, by giving our agreement and our contribution to this collective informational-emotional field.
What role are you playing? What values are you embodying? Can you allow yourself, and others, to expand in the acceptance, and integration, of more values? Of a more nuanced, diverse collective? This is what makes for health, and resilience, in any system: an orchestra has different instruments, and a conductor. All of the members, or elements, are good, worthy, and play a part in the whole. The leader knows that, has an overview, and keeps the balance with a life-enhancing attitude, the container.
Orchestra conductor Alondra de la Parra
We all repress and are unaware of some dimensions, informations, and emotions. We just need the space, the container, for a peaceful and inclusive awareness of the diversity and beauty that is in front of us. Where your attention goes, energy flows!
Witnessing beauty, acknowledging strength in the face of adversity, seeing the courage behind the pain, the strengh behind the anger, the excitement behind the fear; but also the dream beyond the disaster, the upcoming joys that will inevitably come after the tragedy, the sacredness of what is all around us, in us, beyond what we are currently thinking about; the eternity beyond death, the peace and delicacy of it all... - putting our attention on the invisible beauty behind reinforces, gives energy to the magnificence. See it. In all. Stop and catch yourself, and shift your gaze: admire the truth, in all its complexity, the paradox of it. The whole of it. Like us, the truth is multifaceted. And it allows for life, for this Divine Comedy.
So beyond our limited, fear-based, 'us vs. them', reptilian brain, fight-flight-freeze cultural and traumatic conditioning, what are those values humanity connects to? What are those feelings we all experience, or want to experience?
Emotions are sacred messengers
They are also the basis for our actions: we act because of what we feel, because of the meaning we attribute to information (safe, unsafe, interesting, etc.), and based on previous exposure/meaning and reinforcement (+ gut bacteria). We then 'consciously' select information that will be noticed by us (our RAS, or reticular activating system). 90% of our actions are initiated by our subconscious, and we only rationalize or explain them later, convincing ourselves we are logical. What's logical is recognizing how we are fooling ourselves, and we are really functioning based on limited information most of the time.
It is good to realize that most of us perceive a limited range of reality, and the perimeter is delineated by (bodily & emotional) fear.
So what does relational fear look like? In survival mode, we don't see the bigger picture, and are reactive (and thus easy to manipulate: we just have to be scared and we'll go where they want us to go; instead of seeing the larger picture, and calmly deciding), we go back to our default conditioning (prior to learning = to our culture, default personality), to the reptilian brain's 'us vs. them', to the amygdala hyjack of putting the whole system in defense. In stress, we isolate, we look for safety, we fight, flight, or freeze - and sometimes, we get stuck. We can't learn, repair, heal, nor grow. We can't think properly (with, again, the big picture), create, laugh, play, nor collaborate with others. This seriously limits our capacity for development. It does make us focused, but just on our own needs; we don't have emotional bandwidth to take on anybody else's into account.
What are we to do, to get back to relational safety?
The more we relax, the safer we feel, the more emotions can come up - the more we can take risks to go to the edge of our comfort zone. For example, in a relationship, it is when we feel safe enough that the real old mess comes up. A child's safe bond with their mother allows them to be fully themselves, which is sometimes translated into acting out the repressed emotions that they couldn't express in a less safe collective environment, like school. The less the pressure to be a certain way to be loved, the more true emotions can come up.
We can only heal what we can feel, in the safety of still being loved when we do feel. Emotions have to be felt in the relational, loving safety of the here-and-now, for us to be able to move on in a healthy way. If you are alone, know your emotions are good, healthy, and a valued treasure: they point to the truth of your deepest, higher self. You can cherish the inner child that is showing her/himself, and hold your emotion in the love that you would a small child that was crying, or a hurt baby animal. If you find a person (a safe friend or family member, a therapist) or a safely held group to hold space (still be present and love you, and feel safe themselves because they know it is not about them, no matter how it looks - and feel safe enough to just listen to your pain without putting themselves in the story; and can get you back to feeling yourself without going into perspective too soon) while you are feeling an accumulated emotion just waiting to come out, you are lucky: cherish your vulnerability just the same, and feel the safety and the love of the person or group that is holding you.
Stressful information is always limited, incomplete information. Overwhelming fear derives from a lack of full understanding of the full situation; when one has access to enough resourcing information and emotion, fear becomes useful feedback. So the question becomes: if we feel fear about something, what information are we missing here? Whose deeper needs are we omitting, neglecting, that would make the whole system healthier? It is not about denial, control, nor shaming fear itself, nor other people: it's about listening carefully, then figuring out what we are missing - why is the signal still pulling on our leg? How do we make the 3D puzzle more complete? Do we need to add other dimensions? How do we get into a state of accessing the wisdom of these other dimensions? Love could be seen as another dimension than the physical: an invisible layer that modifies everything, that amplifies life-sustaining structures. Empty space has been shown to be geometrical. Peace, love, joy or compassion are not just words: these contagious emotions modify the structure, the organization of life. Just look at the skin irrigation, eye, mouth symmetry, body balance and breathing harmony of someone who has been deeply honored, loved and listened to, the way they really are. Beauty just shines out! They are litterally brighter, healthier, more stable, more here. We do something when we search for the good in others, while still holding a place of not knowing for what we don't fully understand - yet. We will get to understanding our common humanity, if we take the time to ask, to really listen to them - because we feel safe, ourselves. So it's almost a social mission to get to deeper safety with who we are ourselves, and to including more of the previously repressed parts into our awareness - so that we can be there for others - and so that we are more connected ourselves with the earth, the universe, all people, and all the good that exists. There is enough good-ness, enough safety, enough connection, enough perspective to sustain the pain and the fear, to hold it, listen to it, rock it, and integrate it, so it can transform, in the light of so much safety. Then we become a connecting, a healing (back to a feeling of 'whole'-ness) influence on this planet. Threat gives you a tunnel vision; you want to enlarge the scope of what you can see and feel.
Your loved ones (+ the part of you that is scared) need your commitment to keep it safe, and smart, and inclusive/loving - for all of us. Listen to the emotion, take care of the weakest, the most hurt, in a loving and peaceful way. If you can.
And if you can't, disconnect for a while.
Take distance, get rid of what your system cannot handle right now, get back to your identity before the trigger tipped you off balance (imagine you are physically throwing your emotion into the ground, or blowing it away, letting it pass like a cloud that goes through you but you don't hold onto it - there is a lot of body work that can give you tools for that, or imagine your own - refocus on your inner body awareness, take in your immediate environment with your 5 senses, situate yourself: look in front of you, to the sides, behind, to the floor, and to the ceiling: you are safe, here, now; observe your breath, follow it inside your body, follow its path outside, and back in again - imagine you are massaging your inner body with your warm breath, that it brings you peace).
Then you can refocus on what you do like in the world, in yourself (and it can be something as simple as feeling the weight of your body on the chair or floor, or having the ability to breathe and experience this life! - or it can be listing 30 people that have had a positive influence on your life and feeling grateful). This way, you are growing the size of a safe, grateful, happy feeling of connection -inner and outer-, and diminishing the size of the threat. So that from your safe sense of you, you are able to witness in compassion, feel the interconnection, and act consciously, from your body now, and with clarity of mind.
The world needs leaders with healthy, full-on thinking, with their minds + hearts active, to be able to hear the deeper needs behind emotions - theirs and others. It is sustainable, and then we are free to act, and make fully informed decisions.
Nothing is fixed, everything is up to us, Together.
So how do you alternate personal responsibility-taking when expanding, and healing and support when contracting?
How do you want to feel in the next couple of hours? (in the next few days/weeks/months? generally this year? (for the longer term, it might be useful to create or use reminders to how you like to feel when you are your best self - here a few examples: Trust All is Well on its Way).