Synergistic relationships start with emotional safety
Here is my definition of synergistic relationships:
Being fully in the moment with another, where we are both free to be ourselves, spontaneous and happy, grateful to be in this relationship. And because we are, the best insights come forth from the most enlivening, fun and pleasurable conversations.
We are both seen, and appreciated. We are allowed to make mistakes, because we know we will be forgiven - that the other will look for the generous interpretation. And thus we take risks: brainstorming then becomes an unending well of insights and creativity, of life-changing realizations and a generous source of self-esteem and appreciation for another's difference.
So basically, you get synergy (creative insights or actions as a result of the interaction) when people feel safe to be themselves due to a mutual feeling of unconditional acceptance. emotionally safe + engaged = synergy (1+1=3)
So how do we get there? What are the ingredients of synergistic (=safe) relationships?
First, love yourself (Free Up Your Emotional Energy by yourself, or with the help of someone else). Because when you don't (as you are), you feel unsafe around other people (they might wake up what you don't like about yourself). And then you either attack them (aggressive fear), or yourself (self-aggression). It all stems from conditional self-love: 'I only love myself if/when...; and not when/if...'. Unconditional self-love allows for safety and strength around other people.
Self-love is not about having a delusional, positive-only self-image: it is about understanding all aspects of yourself with kindness, acceptance, and possibly humor. You are doing your best, always have been, always will, and that's enough. You are learning. You are worthy of love and connection (like Brenée Brown says of the full-hearted, daring individuals that bounce back from pains, and dare to be human and vulnerable - and really live The power of vulnerability).
Second, understand others.
Why would I even want to understand (or learn, eek! ;) from difficult others?
Connect to Full Capacity
Being empathically seen calms the nervous system, our brain patterns become coherent. When we can relate to another person as ourselves, when we see the common humanity, we feel safer. Then we are able to access more parts of our brain, heart, and body information: we think better, alone and together. We can easily feel relaxed yet engaged, collaborate, want to exchange information, be OK with our limitations, and complement each other.
Resilient: Bounce Back from Failure
When we know what it's like to be them, because we have been them, or we could be them (in the same circumstances), we reestablish dialogue, we restore circulation, we tear down this invisible wall of judgment, and really see the other, like us: with the same emotions, trying their best with what they've got.
Taking into account our and others' needs gives us rich personalities: we have more ways of being (more than one to-go, pre-set, default mode), which allow us to switch to something more efficient when an attitude doesn't work. This in turn makes us happier and more resilient (better able to bounce back from a failure or setback)... and happy, flexible/connected yet centered.
InterConnect for Growth
Each person has the potential to wake something up in us: other people are our best teachers. By admiration, frustration, fear, grief, or peace, we will be asked to remembering forgotten parts of ourselves, hence feeling finer aspects of ourselves, further expanding in how we relate to the world. We evolve each other through love and compassion (for ourselves and for others), piecing this giant puzzle back together.
Take your emotional reaction as a trigger to understand yourself more (to get the message your emotion is trying to communicate to you): what positive quality does this person have, that you might need to develop in yourself? Everyone brings a present with them - our task is, like a detective, just to uncover which one.
The higher the resistance, the more important this new value is for your life. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the treasure! This discovery is fundamental to altering your (up-till-now) personality and completing you, to help you expand and tackle a whole new level of challenges on your life path.
From this understanding, your action will come from real personal strength, integration (rather than simply reacting), from peace and connection to yourself, and others.
By admiring other ways, other qualities than the ones we are currently favoring or expressing ourselves, we integrate them into our new, expanded self: we connect to more, we become more resilient, we understand more - our self-image expands, and our awareness of our interconnection with the Whole expands as well. That's true safety: no enemies, no shame, no blame. It all is me, could have been me, or could be me in the future. Others are you, who made other choices - all understandable from the inside, in their environments. Now what do you want to live for this lifetime?
Like the ocean, its flowing vortices representing each of our consciousnesses express our individual differences, no real actual separation exists between our spirits (at the sub-atomic level, it's all movement of atoms from the same base, switching to different combinations as our attention and energetic signature shifts). We are all expressing parts of a collective consciousness.
The ocean is always flowing, within each of us, together as one.
After an intense emotional reaction, how do you get back to yourself?
What Value do you need to develop?